Robin Ruin: Riot Mum 007

Cosmo’s 50 Hottest Men: Really?

I’m now a morning person, thanks to my daughter’s inner alarm clock being set to 6 AM. This is fine, but it means I watch way more vapid morning television than anyone should be exposed to. Today, Today had Cosmo’s 50 Hottest Men on.

They had 30 together in a group shot and all of them but one were brunette white guys. It freaked me out a little so I looked around online and found them here. The concept is that people nominated the hottest guy they knew and Cosmo picked one per state who competed to be the “hottest guy in America.”

Pshaw, as if we don’t already know that it’s Henry freakin’ Rollins

Well, even if Hank doesn’t agree with that, I feel confident that he would agree the actual 2007 Cosmo winner is a total douchebag.

Meet Brian Watkins of Ohio.

He’s 23, and possibly the deepest man you’ll ever meet. Scintillating quotes include:

What superpower would you choose? “I’d want to be able read girls’ minds. Then I’d write a book about it to help out other guys, since we’re all in the dark!”
“I enjoy shopping with a woman, especially if she models the clothes.”
“I love a nice set of legs, but a girl who has looks and brains is much more of a turn-on.”
Sure thing there Brian. You, sir, are definitely a winner.

But wait, let’s not forget the runners up.

Dennard Greenwood, 28, of Georgia may be my favorite. He gets my vote for best tattoo.

I’m hoping that’s a nickname. Even so, why would anyone let themselves be called Nard, let alone get it tattooed on them?!?! That’s always been a word for nuts to me, as in “I was too close to President Bush not to take the shot, so I kicked him in the nards.” Alternate spelling/pronunciation would be gonard(s), gonad(s). And the man just got out of the Marines, so you know that’s all he heard for the last 8 years.
Wait, wait. I know why he’s considered an eligible, desirable bachelor. He can obviously take copious amounts of verbal abuse. Women want him cos they know they can give him shit all day long and it won’t hurt his feelings.

Other runners up include:

Mr. Wang who is coincidentally touching his whang.

Ryan Beyer
. Wait, does he look like Hillary Swank from Boys Don’t Cry to anyone else?

Anthony Nardozzi has one fine body, but it’s all to make up for the fact that Cyclops was his daddy and his eyes may one day merge back into a singular orb.
But he’s not as bad as Mr. North Dakota who has those dreamy short bus eyes. der
Then, we have a family:
DadBrother 1Brother 2 of the vein-y crotch (WTF?)And Brother 3

Mr. Arizona actually has some nards for showing up since he’s the only one with no absAlas, more sit-ups needed.

but his obviously shaved groin creeps me out.

And finally, I have to say something about this guy‘s lame-but-trying to be cool tattoo.Failed to be cool.

You failed, sir.

Nicco of ignition tattooing, CA
This is what a real tattoo looks like boys and girls. Expect no less.


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October 19, 2007, 1:59 pm
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